And I Wonder

I sit back and wonder how corruptible I have been. I look back and search for clarity across the different timelines of my existence. Have I been too far gone, or have I been salvaging the pieces of me that resonate with my higher self. It’s by such endeavors that I find myself running to the trees and rivers for solitude, in search of answers within myself. In doing so, I am finding keys to the universe and self-mastery. To some, a futile quest, but to me, the noblest of quests, anchored by a belief in freedom—freedom of thought and affirmative action. The hardest part has been the admission that I’m not entirely free; I falter; I crumble at the sight of many mental foes. It has been a while since I genuinely sat down with a pen and paper and passionately scribbled my thoughts. I have felt starved during that time. Now that I am here, I equate the feeling to cosmic, sensual, and orgasmic release. I’ll say it’s soothing to the soul—a breath of fresh air. I am feeling alive again.

At this point, I don’t know whether what has been happening lately has just been modes of mere coincidences or fate. I have been overwhelmed by constant pressure to decipher the message the universe has been sending. An attempt to truly find what is good for me. “The right path, the right people, and the right connections.” Surprisingly, I have done a tone of what I had promised myself on my 26th. This is my 27th, yet I’m still grappling with the idea of tangible progress. It’s a pity we don’t see our wins and progress through the years. In all honesty, it’s not that I am blind to mine; it has been mentioned a couple of times by my peers. Sometimes it has been said in subtlety; some have said I carry myself well; better yet, I have been told I look like I am taking good care of myself. Other times, I hear the whispers of me acting older for my age. I don’t know what inspires such thought-provoking sentiments, but my experiences have shaped me to have reason beyond my years. A survival instinct I have picked along the way. Yes, I plan to the very end. I look at the risk-reward ratio in everything I do. It is for this reason that I ask myself why I couldn’t just live like the rest of my peers. 

I constantly ask myself why I have this deep sense of morality and empathic consciousness.  That’s the one question that constantly lingers on my mind. I could be anything I set my mind to, a womanizer, an arrogant prick, but I simply don’t find none of those things fulfilling or anywhere near exciting. I can say I have learned the game, still learning, and I’m going to admit, I have been through a lot, I guess that’s why I tend to be choosy now, to protect the peace. Still, I feel like time is running, running from me and my beloved, a lover that matches and understands my need for nakedness and sensuality. I have been wearing a mask for far too long. My soul craves sensuality so deep it scares the stars. Certainty and trust I don’t want to question. Maybe that’s the one key thing I’m still missing to unlock my other parts. Maybe this year I’ll meet someone, I hope, someone in their spiritual journey as well. It would make sense if I found someone on the same path as me, same frequency. I trust the divine to bring this one. I would like to know how it feels. I have done the shadow work, came to terms with my darker parts, parts I’d like to show someone and they’d think that’s artistic. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll be locked in each other’s arms from the sunset until the sun comes up again.