Most times, it is difficult to pinpoint the start point or how personalities are formed. In the last year, I have had the highest highs and lowest lows in my young adult life. The events were very unprecedented, some threatening, and some very motivating. I have questioned everything there is to question; religion, faith, morality, politics, money, relationships, and most importantly, I have asked myself the ‘WHY ME?’ question endlessly. I have quit so many bad habits, upon reflection; I had learned to trick my mind into thinking I had everything under control. I had to induce that mental fortitude, but deep down, the mask was tearing, and I was crumbling from the inside. Each day I ask myself, What about those that can’t, the ones that cannot surmount enough self-will to get themselves out of the deep waters, the ones that self-destruct, waiting to be saved from themselves.
With each new habit I pick along the way, I learn something new about myself. Each day, I hope to be better than yesterday, and consciously make better decisions. There are so many tests, but I’m weary of breaking character. It takes infinite strength to beat oneself, to learn to let things be, and to get to the flow state. I have had to get off social platforms, to declutter or gain clarity. The trends can be overwhelming, it is hard not to compare the lifestyle differentials and not concede how some are ‘eating well’ out here. I know because, within that year, I found myself working a barbeque grill at a local joint. I see how people drive in with model figured girlfriends and drink the night away with expensive liquor. At the moment, that’s not my cup of tea; however, I can’t help but think about the people who actually covet that lifestyle. I reminisce about the times I wanted that, when I was living like that, until that cup was emptied. At first, I thought it was conscientious, but deep down, I knew I had outdone myself. It was time to try something different, find meaning, to survive in the unknown. I no longer wanted to be a number, I wanted to be a name, to transcend generations, to innovate, and to elevate others along the way.
Once in a while I go back to my very first blog; unintentional as it was, it encapsulated everything I am seeking from life, a very imaginative way. Yes, I talked to my old man as well, best conversation I’ve ever had. He said the same things I have found online from philosophers and great minds—a very engaging experience. Through his eyes, I am making an understanding of the manly experience; to see the world for what it truly is. I now know that you can’t truly get out of the matrix, but you can come out for some sunshine. The point is to understand our roles and act the hell out of them. Essentially, to thrive wherever life places us is the purpose of life, Like the trees, we bloom during spring and wither or shed parts of ourselves that no longer serve the next season. I am trying to be mindful of the time and phases as they go by, living each day as it comes.
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