EGO DEATH

Do I have a big ego, or do I simply have high standards? This is a question I return to often. At first glance, the two feel so similar that they almost mirror each other. Both can shape the way we carry ourselves, the way we draw boundaries, and the way we navigate relationships. But when I sit with the thought long enough, I realize that the line between ego and high standards, though thin, is incredibly important. It can determine whether we protect our peace or sabotage our connections without even realizing it.

I have tried, many times, not to let that line blur my vision or cloud my judgment. Still, when I look back, I find myself wondering: how much has ego played a role in the ending of my relationships? Could I have handled certain situations differently? Was I wrong to walk away from people’s lives in the way that I did? These questions don’t come with easy answers. They linger like echoes, sometimes louder than the original thought, and force me to examine myself more closely than I’d like to admit.

The truth is, I know exactly how my environment has shaped me. I carry myself with intention. I work hard to stay grounded. I push myself, often harder than I need to, because deep inside I fear becoming stagnant. That self-pressure has been both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it fuels my drive and keeps me disciplined. On the other, it often turns into self-criticism so sharp that it robs me of ease. I’ve learned to keep my cards close to my chest, and that guardedness has become part of my identity. Mystery feels like a cloak that both protects me and sets me apart, and I wear it with a kind of confidence. Yet, in my pursuit of self-discovery, I sometimes wonder if I’ve gotten lost in silence. Isolation has its price. When you hold too much inside, you begin to lose the natural rhythm of expression. Words no longer come easily, and your silence becomes a prison as much as it is a shield.

And so I return to the question: is this ego, or is it standards? The two are often confused, but they are not the same. High standards are born from self-respect. They are anchored in a quiet knowledge of your worth, the refusal to settle for less than what aligns with your values, and the determination to hold yourself to the same expectations you place on others. They come from a place of growth, pushing you to be better and to surround yourself with people and experiences that elevate your life. Ego, on the other hand, is rooted in pride. It thrives on comparison, on being right, on protecting your image even at the expense of authenticity. Ego resists compromise, not because compromise is wrong, but because it fears that bending means breaking. While standards are forward-looking and constructive, ego is defensive and often destructive.

The difficult part is that, from the outside, they can look exactly the same. Walking away from a relationship, for example, could stem from refusing to lower your standards—or it could stem from ego’s refusal to admit fault. Remaining silent could be a way to protect your peace—or it could be ego’s fear of vulnerability. What looks like strength can sometimes be nothing more than stubbornness dressed in finer clothes. That is why reflection is so necessary; without it, we risk mistaking ego for principles and pride for self-respect.

I can admit that there have been times when I used the phrase “high standards” to cover what was really ego. There were moments when I refused to apologize, not because I believed I was right, but because my pride couldn’t bear the thought of appearing weak. There were times I cut people off quickly, calling it “boundaries,” when in reality it was ego building walls so tall no one could climb them. There were even times when I demanded perfection, not just of others but of myself, forgetting that we are all human, fallible, and in constant process. Looking back, I see that ego has cost me relationships, opportunities, and a sense of connection I sometimes ache for.

That cost is not always immediate. Ego accumulates slowly. It shows up in regrets, in loneliness, in the quiet questions that haunt you at night: could I have handled that differently? Should I have stayed? Could I have spoken instead of walking away? Ego convinces us we are protecting ourselves, but often it leaves us more isolated than we intended. High standards, on the other hand, have a very different effect. When rooted in self-awareness rather than pride, they elevate our lives. They shape how others treat us, they encourage growth, and they create environments where quality—whether in work, love, or friendship—can thrive. Unlike ego, high standards do not close doors unnecessarily. Instead, they open doors to people and experiences that resonate with our values.

Still, telling the difference in the heat of the moment is never easy. I’ve learned to pause and ask myself hard questions. Am I standing firm because I am honoring my values, or am I just protecting my image? Is this decision moving me closer to growth and connection, or is it pushing me into distance and isolation? Am I holding others to expectations that I also hold myself to, or am I demanding more than I give? These are not easy questions to sit with, but they often reveal whether my actions are born of self-respect or pride.

Perhaps the real challenge is not in choosing between ego and high standards, but in learning how to balance the two. A touch of ego gives us confidence, a voice, and the courage to take up space. But it has to be tempered with humility. High standards keep us aligned with our purpose, but they need to be softened with empathy and flexibility, otherwise they risk becoming impossible ideals. I am still learning this balance. Some days I get it right, and other days I fail miserably. But growth has little to do with perfection and everything to do with awareness. The fact that I keep asking the question, that I keep returning to reflection, is proof that I am on the right path.

So do I have a big ego, or do I simply have high standards? The reflection beats me every time. But perhaps the better question is whether I am willing to be honest enough with myself to know the difference—and brave enough to make changes where necessary. Ego and standards are not enemies. They are both parts of us, two forces constantly wrestling for control. The key is not to erase one in favor of the other, but to let standards lead the way while ego plays a supportive role. Because when we live guided by standards rather than pride, we don’t just protect ourselves—we grow, we connect, and we build lives that reflect not just our pride, but our purpose.