My parents split while I was still in my tender age, a milestone that was to set the tone for the remaining part of my life. Suddenly, I was thrown into confusion and sorrow, and to worsen this situation, I needed to stay with my stepmother for 5 dreadful years. My elder sister died at a young age, which meant that as the next in line, I was now responsible for doing things far beyond my age.
The change was unanticipated and when it came, it was sudden and brutal. Instead of comfort and understanding, my stepmother brought nothing but more and more pain into my life. Every day was a war that was fought to live and maybe have a shot of a little humanity. Such behaviour of her was the effective beat of my life for at least, she punished me with her sharp-tongued words. Not a single period of childhood fantasies and fun since all was darkened by her shadow.
Losing my sister was a disaster to the family and seeing myself as the firstborn, I had the responsibility to shoulder and bear all the sorrows that came with her death and also fill the void left behind. I was supposed to grow up quickly, comprehend delicate issues, and know how to deal with them for my dad once said, knowing I still had childhood privileges other kids didn’t have. In the end, there was not a moment for me to sit down and figure out how I felt, or why I felt this way as I was too busy trying to medicate the pain and maintain the exterior facade. This was not the kind of childhood one would imagine, full of joy and learning rather it was a childhood of fear and responsibilities.
This premature push into adulthood was clearly life-changing in ways that were liberating and destructive. On one hand, I got incredibly strong and confident to a degree that many of my friends could only dream of today. The good thing is that I was able to manage responsibilities, be wise in problem-solving, and not give up when conditions are unfavorable, something that comes in handy in the real world.
But all of this came at a great cost. Those years were very painful, and the psychological trauma remains with a person for the rest of their lives. I was deprived of the opportunity to be a kid, to create joyous moments, and to make friends for a lifetime. It is due to the abuse that I received from my stepmother, I never felt that there was anything good about me. The absence of care and cuddling when I was young left me with a gap that I was trying to fill as I became a grown-up.
Still, those years were very beneficial for me, as I learned a lot of lessons regarding both empathy and strength. I was taught to focus on small gratification and to appreciate short periods of tranquility in what seemed to be an ever-endless storm. For me, it was rather important because I did not have the chance to enjoy kindness and compassion for most of my life. These experiences could be considered negative, however, they played a role in constructing my subjectivity and defining the direction towards strength and personal development.
In retrospect, it occurred to me that my childhood was taken away. However, it was perhaps the most influential time in the process of forming my personality. The suffering that I received from her was torturous but, at the same time, it granted me a distinctive knowledge about life. Every day, I try to be the person who will not allow anyone in her life to feel the sort of loneliness and abandonment that I felt as a child. The pain may not ever fully go away but the memories of it teach you resilience and the powering spirit of the human soul.
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